you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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