i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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