unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
