It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
