i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
