I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
