So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
