I wannas sexs uuuuu
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
