We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
