a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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