get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
