So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
