just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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