'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
