In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
