i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
