and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
