Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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