I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
as a side note pls kill me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
