i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
