put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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