So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
