I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
