if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
