I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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