Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
