The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
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Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...