Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
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the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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