Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's blow job season.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls