Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.