some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!