i wish starbucks made bloody marys
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
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I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I supernannyed him into submission
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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