I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
