I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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