I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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