I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Don't make out with my wife yet
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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