dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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