this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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