Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
