Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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