i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
