Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
