I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
