I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
