Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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