I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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