I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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