I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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