News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
