??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
