How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
