all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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