Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
