So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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