turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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