1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
