your room smells of hookers.
And success
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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