I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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