I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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