I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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