last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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