All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
