She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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